Ask Elizabeth: When is too soon for Sex
I met a guy online named Fred. We made contact initially by text as you do. He called me the following Friday night at 9.45 suggesting a quick meet. I agreed as I was at home with nothing much to do. He came to me, so I had to only go short drive around the corner to a local McDonalds. We were both interested, and conversation flowed. He walked me to my car and literally wanted to put his tongue down my throat. I got out of there although flattered that he liked me, but I didn’t know him. We went out the following night for dinner. I told him to take it slow with me. We had another pleasant night. He wanted me to go back to his place, and I said I wasn’t comfortable with that, so I went home. I still wasn’t sure if I liked him or not. The next day he sent me very explicit sexual text message telling me he couldn’t wait to get my clothes off and described what he wanted to do with me!!! Argh!!! I asked him straight out if he was after sex because if he was, I was the wrong girl! His reply was that he wanted both a sexual and a relationship as well. He told me he had two teenaged children. I have two adult children. He then invited me to his place for dinner, and we could do plenty of kisses and cuddles he acknowledged that was all. I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with that too soon! In the back of my mind, I couldn’t forget THAT explicit text message! I made out I was sick so couldn’t go for dinner and to give me more think time. He was maintaining contact with me every day. The following week he suggested dinner again at his place…I thought to myself “don’t you get it?” So I decided to just call him and be honest where I was at and talk to him. I suggested we do something else so I could get to know him better so we went to the movies and I met him there. I could sense during the movie that he wanted to hold my hand but I couldn’t. So I just focussed on the movie. Afterwards, we had a coffee and pleasant talk getting to know each other. He walked me to my car, and I couldn’t get out fast enough….gave him a quick kiss then left. The next week he suggested dinner at his place AGAIN. He acknowledged that he would behave himself. This all got a bit much, so I decided to call him and call the whole thing off….my question. …was he a toad or genuine. I let my fear get the better of me? All I know is that I run from committing to a relationship, I don’t trust who I attract…..was that sexual text message a red flag or was that naivety on his part? I feel like I have turned into a prude. I have been single for 5 years now from a previous casual relationship which ended badly. I was super hurt. When I ended it with Fred, I felt relieved to be back to normal life.
Did I cut my nose off to spite my face? I don’t want to be single forever, but unless I get over this fear I think I will be! Note, after I called it off he appeared fine about it, and that was that! He didn’t fight for it! Was he a toad or possible prince?
Thank you for your question
It is hard to know if this is a naive guy or a toad. It could be that he has had success dating in the past being hyper sexual and so has a formula he uses and hasn’t realised it is one size fits all or it could be that you have slipped out of the slimy grasp of a horrible, nasty, poisonous toxic toad.
Having said all that there are a few warning signs here that this guy might have been trouble. The first one is the fact that you set boundaries that he has kept pushing despite what you said. This indicates to me that this could be a man with poor boundaries and poor impulse control. If this is the case, then his behaviour might indicate that sexually you would have to be calling boundaries and in daily life, you might find yourself having to manage his expectations all the time which can be very exhausting.
If someone keeps pushing your boundaries, they are essentially disrespecting you. The result of that is that you find yourself second guessing yourself and questioning whether what you want is ok or not, and essentially this is what is happening here.
We also know that men who are hypersexual view women as objects. This would explain why he could so easily tell you what he wants to do with you, and then when it all got too hard, just move on and let you go. If men view women as objects, they can idolise them, and this is a dangerous space to get into with a man in terms of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. This is because the higher a man puts you on a pedestal as his perfect woman, the further and harder you will fall with just one mistake. I have a blog post you might find interesting called The Danger of Life on a Pedestal.
I know that as we get older there it is a tendency to want to move into a relationship quickly as we feel we have less time. However, this sexual expectation tells me that this guy wants to rush you into the relationship. This could be because he knows he is toxic and cannot maintain a relationship so he could be trying to hook you in super quickly. He also isn’t looking after you feelings. How can he know whether he likes you or not after such a short time? Clearly, he isn’t thinking about the impact on you if he changes his mind about you, especially if this is after you have had sex. His behaviour also tells me he is in the physical release space of his sexuality which means he has little understanding of the importance of building trust and emotional connection in a relationship.
Although there are nice guys on dating sites, a lot of them are marathon dating, that is trying to have sex with as many girls as they can. For him to leave you so easily could be because he already had someone lined up who would put out.
It is really positive that you are recognising that you always seem to meet the same types of guys. Recognising patterns is the first step in managing and interrupting them. If you are looking online for a partner, it might be worth considering different ways of meeting someone. Networking in real life can be more helpful or socialising, joining a club or making new friends, you never know who you might meet. As I was reading your question I felt really uneasy and concerned for your safety, all I could think was – I hope the next sentence isn’t going to tell me that you gave in and went home with him. You might have been ok – but then again you might not have.
Safety always comes first. If you had been date raped or worse, you may never recover or not even be here! So if your instinct goes off, you need to listen to it.
I would strongly recommend my book Stop Kissing Toads – Pucker up and find your handsome prince as a book you can read to understand these indicators I have talked about more thoroughly and understand why we choose the partners we do, and how to interrupt patterns of relating.
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