Why Snooping on your Partner is a Really Bad Idea

by | Relationship Topics

You know you shouldn’t snoop, but that moment comes when you suspect something is up. Your partner seems different, or maybe he has changed his working hours, or you aren’t having sex as often. Your instinct goes off. Maybe you ask your partner, and he says everything is fine, but you don’t believe it. So rather than asking again, waiting or listening to your instinct you decide to snoop. In a healthy relationship, each partner should trust the other. You shouldn’t feel the need to snoop and violate your partner’s privacy and personal space. Would you like it if you partner snooped on you? The important question to ask is why you feel the need to snoop. Why you can’t listen to your instinct, ask your partner to be truthful and if you doubt what you are hearing take action. So why do we snoop and why is snooping so bad? Why is it so damaging to your relationship?


It makes you deceitful

If you are sneaking around behind your partners back checking their computer and mobile phone without their knowledge, you are untrustworthy. In a relationship, you trust that you have basic boundaries around personal space. It doesn’t matter that you think your partner may be cheating on you. His behaviour belongs to him, and your behaviour belongs to you. You are accountable for how you manage yourself in the relationship, how can you accuse him of being sneaky or lying by omission or cheating if you are behaving deceitfully by snooping? You are doing exactly what you are accusing your partner of doing, concealing your behaviour and disrespecting boundaries of the relationship. You are not in your integrity.


Manage your fear of loss

Women who snoop are frightened. They have a fear of loss of their relationship. All of us have this fear; it’s just that some of us manage ourselves better than others. When you feel frightened that you might be losing your partner you might ask your partner what is happening with them, but then again you might not, or you might not push as hard as you could to find out what is going on. Instead, you decide to snoop to try and confirm that your fears are all in your head, or to confirm he is cheating so you can feel as though you are in the right and be justified in ending the relationship. The danger is that snooping on your partner is really about you and how you are feeling rather than anything your partner may or may not be doing. If you find yourself regularly snooping in your relationship you need to ask yourself why you are feeling the need to constantly check up on your partner.


You don’t trust yourself

When we snoop, we don’t trust our instinct. Something has happened in the relationship to make you feel that your partner might not be being honest. Rather than trusting your instinct or the conversation that you have with your partner, you snoop. You say it is your partner you don’t trust, and maybe he is unfaithful, but this is you not trusting yourself. It is as if you need to confirm what you already know because you don’t trust that your feelings are right.


We don’t feel good enough

If you believe that your partner would cheat on you, then that is about your self-confidence that you are enough in the relationship. You don’t believe you are enough in the relationship, so you snoop as if to confirm your partner is being faithful and everything really is ok.


Snooping leads to pain

Where there is smoke, there is fire. We usually don’t snoop unless we have a suspicion or a reason and generally we find something. There is one thing to know that your partner is cheating and another to actually see the evidence. Or, you snoop and you don’t find anything, and you are left wondering whether they are hiding the evidence. If you look hard enough, it is likely you will find something to be upset about, especially if you are in a headspace where you want to find something. None of this can lead to a good outcome.


It leads to misunderstanding

If you snoop you are destroying the foundations of trust in your relationship. How would you feel if your partner snooped on you? Snooping can cause you to jump to conclusions and cause misunderstandings with your partner. You might even find out something that your partner is planning for the relationship and spoil the surprise.


It destroys intimacy

Having your partner regularly snoop in your private space without cause can be highly stressful to a relationship. It can make your partner feel violated. Your partner needs to feel that you trust him. If you don’t allow him to have his private space and life away from you, you do not allow the vulnerability needed to allow a trust picture to form between you to build intimacy.


You have jealousy issues

Be careful that your desire to snoop is not founded in your toxic jealousy. Snooping is a form of attempting to control your partner through monitoring what they are doing in their life. If you feel as though you need to know where your partner is every moment of the day and need to monitor them, this is most likely not about your partner but about you and your inability to manage your own emotion.


Snooping is stalking

Snooping is a gateway behaviour to stalking. First of all, you are looking on their mobile phone and computer; this can then progress to snooping in person, turning up at your partner’s workplace, or home. That is stalking and is a serious breach of another persons privacy.


What can you do about it?

If you feel the need to snoop slow yourself down and look for the signs that confirm you can trust your partner, or think about why it is your feel you cannot trust your partner. You don’t need to snoop, look at the evidence and listen to your instinct – the answer is right there – but you need to have the confidence to believe in and listen to yourself.   You need to love yourself and have confidence in yourself that you are loveable. How can you expect anyone to love you if you don’t love yourself? If you truly believe your partner is dishonest or unfaithful have the confidence to turn to your partner and ask, and if you don’t like what you hear have the strength to do something about it.   You deserve more. Love yourself. If you believe you have issues concerning your ability to listen to your instinct and trust yourself, and you find yourself resorting to snooping, reach out for help and support. If you can’t be in a relationship without snooping, you will struggle to have a healthy relationship with anyone, whether they cheat or not. This is because snooping erodes foundations of love and trust that form an intimate, healthy relationship. Remember the moment you snoop, and conceal that snooping you become untrustworthy and as bad as the partner you are checking up on.

With Love

Elizabeth R-J


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