Ask Elizabeth: Why Didn’t I Realise, I Feel Like Such an Idiot!
I recently found out an ex lover of mine was in fact married and lied to me for 4 years saying he was single. I say ex because I haven’t seen him in 2 years since he moved interstate for work, however, we were in contact occasionally and just recently planning a reunion. Then I did a bit more Facebook research and bang there he was with a wife a 2 small kids. I was absolutely heartbroken. I attempted to contact her on Facebook, but he got her to block me, no doubt making up a lie about why I had contacted her. He is, after all, a manipulative, compulsive liar in my opinion. When I confronted him, he was apologetic and said he was going to try and be a better person!!! Which sounded convincing at the time but the more I think about his callousness nature and lack of respect I know it will only be an amount of time until he is back to his old ways. He had online dating accounts, that’s where I met him and even made a fake Facebook profile page. I know if I wanted to I could easy contact her again and tell her everything, part of me wants to for her sake and also as a bit of revenge for what he did to me. I know he will do this again and I know I wasn’t the only one. Do u think any good will come of it if I contact her again with more details or should I leave it alone? The rat even concocted a story about having to move back to his home country for sick parent when he knew I was on his tail. This toad won’t stop at any lie to protect himself. Also, how do I move on from this experience, I invested time into him and feel like a total idiot. Struggling. Xoxox
Thank you for your question
You must be feeling so angry and betrayed – and to think this toad has a partner and two kids.
I can understand why you feel as though you want to expose him. That feeling you want to let people know who he really is, is a reaction to the abuse, of a lying manipulative rat. Men who are abusive are often very charming and convincing, and everyone else thinks they are wonderful. Then when you find out what they are really like you can feel this compulsive reaction to want to tell everyone. This can happen whether the guy is a love rat as you have experienced or whether he is physically violent, or verbally abusive. These men are expert at fooling the world into believing they are a totally different person. For many women what they discover is that when they go to tell everyone how horrible the toxic toad is they find people don’t believe them and that compounds the abuse.
Yes, it is highly possible that this guy has lied to his partner, again, to convince her that you are some crazy woman who is after him. The sad thing for her is that if he lies as much as you suspect he does, she is probably also struggling with what is real and what isn’t, this part of the toad’s abuse and designed to keep his wife under control.
The sad thing is that his wife has two young children. She may well have been the one to lock you out. You really don’t know if he lied or, as you spoke to her, she realised where your communication was going and decided to lock you out herself. If her toad of a husband has done this before, don’t think you are the only woman who has tried to contact her. She may well be deciding she doesn’t want to know about his behaviour because to face reality about what he is really like means her fantasy of who he is will be gone and she might be dreading the whole thought of what facing his cheating would mean for her and her children. So instead of speaking to you and finding out what is real, she is hiding in a fantasy with him.
Remember this toad is extremely good at lying, and he has affairs to create a fantasy life to help him cope with real life. This man may have had an abusive childhood, or he may struggle with stress and the affair represents an escape. This means he may well be the perfect husband when he is at home which, if his wife can turn a blind eye to what she knows is true, means she can delude herself into thinking she has the perfect husband.
This means if you could contact her again, even if you could have a coffee with her, you should prepare yourself for her actually deciding to refuse to believe anything you have told her. Or she may sit over coffee and listen to everything you have said and still refuse to make this toxic toad accountable. She may already know what you are trying to tell her. Just as you know you can find her, she could probably very easily find you too, if she wanted to. Remember it didn’t take you long to find out what he is up to on Facebook.
Remember safety comes first. This man is a pathological liar. He knows he is playing a dangerous cat and mouse game with women. There are all sorts of complex reasons as to why he might be doing this. Including managing his own emotions, escaping from reality or just because he can. A blog post you might find helpful is Why do men have affairs. The most important thing you need to remember is you don’t know everything he is capable of, and if you threaten the status quo of his life too much by exposing him, then you could find yourself really unsafe if he retaliates. We know that men are at their most dangerous when women leave them or if their lives threaten to unravel, so be mindful that any decision you make needs to consider your safety first.
I think you need to look at what has happened to you and how it is making you feel and work on how you can overcome your emotion. Of course, you feel used, abused and disrespected. That is a normal and natural feeling to have after having been with someone who has pretended to be something he isn’t to win your affection.
The important thing you need to acknowledge is that even intelligent, confident, self-assured women can find themselves loving a toad. Toads are expert at luring you in, and their behaviours can be very addictive. Remember it is normal and natural to feel you want to be close to someone and a normal, natural process when we start a relationship is to make ourselves vulnerable and create a space for trust to form. You haven’t done anything wrong, and you are certainly not stupid. You have, maybe, been a little bit naive and a little bit too trusting. You can take steps to change that by educating yourself about toxic toads. There are signs you can see right from the very first date to help you to discern a frog from a toad and keep yourself physically, emotionally and logistically safe.
If you base your healing in trying to contact others to tell them what this toad is really like you run the risk of being ignored or disbelieved. You can’t rely on others having the reaction you need to make you feel better; you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
The pathway to recovery is inside you.
My latest book Stop Kissing Toads – Pucker up and find your handsome prince takes you through the process, not just to understand the indicators you should be looking for to understand if a guy is a healthy choice or not, but also to look deeply inside yourself, so you can understand why you choose the life partners you do.
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