Heal the part of you that is Hurt

by | Elizabeth's Reflections

“Heal the part that is hurt so it doesn’t keep attracting and replaying the hurt.”


Do you find yourself repeating certain painful patterns in your life? Situations that keep happening to you that become so practised that you can really see the patterns playing out in front of you. For example, do all your relationships end the same way? Do you find yourself arguing with your mother and coming to the same, conclusion every single time?


Things happen in life that are difficult. We all have challenges. However, for some of us, the challenges seem to have the same familiar dance, and we can’t help but waltz along with, playing our part in the tango that continues to hurt us again and again.


The first time we have a bad experience we might just say oh well stuff happens in life, the second time we might say wow that was bad luck. But if the same pattern happens a third, fourth, fifth or even sixth time it starts to be clear that there might be a bit more happening here than just bad luck.


The common denominator here isn’t so much everyone else, but as hard as it is it might be we need to recognise that we are present in every single interaction. We need to look inside and recognise that there might be something inside us that is attracting these hurtful situations.


Ways to heal your inner hurt.


Patterns occur in our lives because of internal templates we have formed right from when we were born, given to us by our family and other significant people who have crossed our path in our life. This inner life template holds all your beliefs and values. It shapes who you are in the world, how you manage your emotion, even the sorts of partners you choose.


The only way to shift the pattern is to look inward and recognise what your emotional triggers might be in response to those patterns. What do you do and how do you do it. If you can uncover the underlying causes for your responses and choices, you give yourself a good chance to heal the part of you that is hurt.


Recognising where our patterns come from enables you to dig deep into your unconscious. This is where the pain and grief resides. Our unconscious seeks to resolve the emotional turmoil, and so it seeks out again and again opportunities to replay old familiar patterns in the hope that there will be an opportunity to experience them differently and resolve the hurt. As much as our unconscious seeks to help us find a resolution, it actually creates the very scenario that repeats the pain over and over.


The only way to break the pattern is to find the part that is hurt through self-understanding and then sooth and heal that part, so that it does not keep replaying the hurt.


Here is an exercise you can use to help you gain clarity about what belongs to you and what belongs to the other person in the repetitive interactions in your life.


Notice the repetitive pattern


Identify a repetitive pattern in your life. It might be how your relationships end, it might be how you argue with your partner, it might be the type of guy you are attracted to or how you try and communicate your feelings to your mother.


Think about the last few times these patterns have happened and write down the steps to the pattern. Be quite literal – I do this then they do that. Look for similarities, sometimes the pattern is so entrenched you can almost write word for word what will be said and set your clock for the next exchange.


Think about your triggers.


Repetitive arguments or the person we are attracted to rarely happens in a moment. There are often triggers or incidents or things we notice that trigger us to react the way we do. Slow yourself down and trace back as far as you can events before and during and after the exchange that feels significant, or you notice seem to happen often.


Tune into your emotion


You’ve thought about the repetitive patterns when they happen and named specific examples. You have mapped out what you think might be your triggers. Now you need to focus on emotion.

The easiest emotion to focus on is anger because it fires you up and makes you feel empowered. Often we can feel as though our anger is uncontrollable. “I couldn’t help myself I just lashed out.” The reality is anger festers for days weeks or even months before it explodes. The problem is we aren’t tuned into it. If you can tune into your anger or any other emotion, you might be aware of, you can take steps to recognise the triggers to the emotion and interrupt the pattern long before you find yourself caught in the repetitive dance. Anger is a secondary emotion it sits over the top of other emotions and protects us from feeling grief, fear or sadness for example. The problem is if we don’t identify our anger and take steps to manage it we don’t bring our true feelings into awareness, which then allows us to become more self-aware of our innermost hurt.


Interrupting the pattern


It is very easy to think about the other person and what they have done to hurt us. It is harder to take responsibility and make a change in ourselves. You can’t control what anyone else does, but you can control what you do in response to their behaviour. If you can make, even a small change it can interrupt the pattern and bring an interaction to a different outcome. It might mean that you decide you are not going to compromise your boundaries. Or you might decide to be self-protective and limit contact with someone. You might decide you are going to recognise your triggers and not let another person bait you. It might be that you are going to recognise the emotional dance you recreate when you choose a life partner, zone in on the aspects of that person you are attracted to, bring them into awareness and not allow yourself to be drawn into the same types of relationships. Whatever the disruption this is the key to changing the pattern and creating a different outcome. Sometimes others will respond positively to your different approach and sometimes they won’t. You cannot help that. They are entitled to do and say whatever they want. However, you don’t have to allow yourself to be subjected to their behaviour. Part of your healing is advocating for yourself. Remember, if you change how you respond this may mean that you are faced with the anger and frustration of someone who thought they had you under control. So safety always comes before a confrontation.


Practice self-care


Part of your healing process is caring for yourself. When you take steps to delve deep into yourself, recognise who you are, manage your emotions, be in your integrity, set boundaries and advocate for yourself, it is hard. In fact, it is exhausting. Often you can find yourself managing not just yourself but others as well.


You need to take care of yourself this means taking care of your temple by eating well, getting adequate sleep and giving yourself educative experiences that challenge you to think deeply and explore who you are and what you really want. Find a support group of like-minded people who want to share this journey of growth to inner healing with you so you can support one another.


Celebrate when you do well and be kind to yourself when you don’t manage yourself so well change is hard and takes practice, but the personal healing your will experience and the engagement in life is worth every moment.




As you recognise different patterns in your life, you will probably find that not only are the patterns intergenerational but the underlying causes are often very similar. When you recognise these interlinking factors, it can be an empowering moment because you can see within yourself where you need to grow.


You cannot control others behaviour, but you can control how you are in the world. As you step into your integrity, you build your confidence as you behave in ways you admire and hear yourself say to others what is important to you. This is the pathway to healing the grief inside you.


It is really hard to look inside yourself because sometimes you see things you don’t like. It is a very brave thing to try and change patterns that have developed since childhood. So be kind to yourself.


I empower women to make educated relationship choices, rather than change for their partner.

Choose, Don’t Change

With Love
Elizabeth R-J


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