Don’t make the mistake of assuming that because something feels good that it is good – feelings can sometimes be the deceiving.”

ELIZABETH ROEBUCK-JONES

So often in this world, we are told to slow down and trust our instincts or trust your feelings. I know I tell my clients to learn to love themselves so that when they have a sense of themselves of what is right or wrong they have the confidence to act.

There is an exception to this rule.

There is one time in our lives when we should not listen to feelings or get carried away in the moment. That time is when we meet someone new.  This is probably the most difficult time to hold onto ourselves. Why?  Because when we first meet someone – every cell in our body every hormone in our brain, every belief wish and desire that we want for ourselves, maybe every family and social pressure we have ever felt to be in a relationship gets activated. Even mother nature can chime in to make sure we are aware that we aren’t getting any younger and if we want to have children this guy might be the one.

It’s a lot of pressure to feel and if someone we meet as a potential partner ticks all the boxes it can be very difficult to resist his charms. However, if we want to keep ourselves safe from a toxic toad we must manage ourselves in those first weeks/months so we can keep ourselves both emotionally and physically safe.

I am not saying that you shouldn’t enjoy the first stages of a relationship. Of course, you should!! To me, those first stages when you first meet someone special are like the chocolate cake of life. The problem is if you give in to all those urges you run the risk of becoming incredibly unsafe. You see many girls make the mistake of believing that just because something feels good that it is good.  They believe that if someone tells you that they love you that they should behave accordingly. They should treat you with respect, and be nice.

The reality is not everyone is nice. Some guys are horrible. In fact, they are so horrible they know that this beginning stage of the relationship is the perfect time to ensnare you. If you aren’t watchful, you can find yourself giving too much, caring too much and if you really let your guard down so entwined in the relationship that you cannot leave.

So next time you meet a new partner enjoy yourself. However, follow these rules to pace the relationship so you can assess whether this guy is a frog who with just one kiss will transform into the Prince Charming who is just right for you or a horrible nasty toxic toad.

  1. If you meet a new guy online be wary that the computer screen becomes a barrier that can cause you to let your guard down. So be mindful of how much you reveal about yourself. Look back on the conversation – how much is he talking about himself. Is your conversation balanced?

 

  1. Don’t be too quick to be physically intimate. You don’t even know this guy. Sexuality is the glue that will hold you together in a relationship, it also speeds up intimacy and familiarity. I can’t tell you how soon to have sex with someone, but just be mindful it is a barrier that once crossed can make you feel you cannot say no to other aspects of the relationship.

 

  1. Don’t allow your potential partner to borrow money until you really know them. Ask yourself the question – Why do they want to borrow money from me? Why can’t they manage their own money? Why don’t they have someone else in their life, who they know and trust, to borrow money from? These are all important questions to ask, especially in a new relationship. Be especially wary of anyone who wants to combine finances super quickly. This gives him access to your money, and he might not have any to share.

 

  1. Don’t move in together too quickly. It is only natural when you first meet someone that you want to be with them all the time.  It is nature’s way of encouraging us to couple up. However, once you are living with someone, it can be very difficult to leave them.

 

  1. Don’t allow your new partner to isolate you from friends and family. It might feel fabulous to spend every moment together, however, you need to be mindful that family and friends are important parts of your life and relationships damaged can be very hard to repair. If your new partner cannot allow you to have time with other people who are important to you, this is a big signal he might be a toad who cannot manage his jealousy.

 

I have seen women in my practice who have allowed men to financially ruin them, who have been sexually abused, or who have allowed a guy to move in with them and then been unable to leave or get him to move out. I have seen women who have been traumatised physically emotionally and logistically all in the name of love.

If you can take your time and use these 5 points to develop your boundaries to pace yourself in a relationship, you allow yourself to feel your feelings without the fear of getting lost in a relationship and badly hurt.

 

I empower women to make educated relationship choices, rather than change for their partner.

Choose, Don’t Change

With Love
Elizabeth R-J

 

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