After months of advice from close friends and immediate family, I think I am about ready to cut communication with my husband who left me several months ago. It has just been one heartache after another for almost half a year now and I just want the pain to go away. Whilst I hate to give up my various channels of keeping in-the-know about him and this girl who I am quite sure was the catalyst in him not wanting to give our marriage a second chance, I have to concede defeat that everyone that advised me was right in saying that any form of communication, any form of friendship and any form of social media will only serve in keeping my sadness at his betrayal forever raw and constantly bring back my depressive moods, anxiety and the feeling of being the biggest failure of a person.
This is very counter productive especially after I’ve finally scraped up some strength and motivation to distract myself with some semi productive and positive self improvement (hopefully) activities, putting in job applications again and feeling a little happier that I might be somewhat recovering. I hate to sound like a jealous and vindictive b*tch but I really don’t want and also can’t bring myself to see or hear any success stories from their social media since him and this girl have apparently gone and set up a business together, which unfortunately has confirmed my suspicion as to why he didn’t want any help from me when I offered to help him to simple things with his business in good faith. Speculate if you will as to why he never bothered to introduce this “close (female) friend” of 10 months to his “wife and partner” of 10 years face-to-face …. As much as my heart wishes he’d just come home and we can start over again, my hatred is really growing so much for him and her. I know this hatred is not good for my being, my mental health, my soul and my karma to be thinking negative thoughts all the time. I have enough stress worrying about living expenses, therapist bills, picking up the pieces of my life and trying hard not to continue to fail.
He says he wants to maintain a friendship, hence the (what seems to me like) half-arsed texts asking how am I doing or what am I doing today. I don’t know, my gut tells me that even if I spent the effort and wrote back what I was actually doing (i.e. finding my feet again), I feel it wouldn’t really have been of much interest to him – so why should I bother making the effort to elaborate? I don’t know if I’m thinking about this the right way. He’s also said that I will always be special to him since we’ve been together for so long, but unfortunately I do not believe I am strong enough to maintain a friendship with this guy with blow after blow of heart aching information that’s STILL continues to reach me via social media. He has recently also accused me of not talking to him, due to my short replies to his texts, I used to only reply to his text if and when he sends one – I mean, come on man, you leave me after 10 years together and you expect me to still want to talk to and also be happy to talk to you about my lack luster life?? I really have a newfound respect for the women that endure a friendship with their ex partners for the sake of their children. Thank goodness we did not get around to having children.
Coming back to the issue of how best to diminish the social media connection, are you able to advise how I might do this without stirring up a big headline among people that know us but aren’t privy to what has happened? I don’t know …. Should I even go through the trouble of unfriending / blocking on social media channels and mobile phone? He has the phone number and connections of my family but I guess I can’t really do much about those. Should I refuse to answer the door or any form of communication and just deal with being accused of childish behaviours? At this stage, I don’t understand why I’m caring and worrying this much about the repercussions of him getting angry or disappointed that I would try to further limit communications and social media feeds to him. Should I hold off actioning anything until he returns the last of my assets to me? I am honestly very confused as to how to handle this – on one hand I want this pain to stop, on the other hand I’m afraid of never hearing from him or to be spoken with by him again. I just want this nightmare to go away and I can’t understand why am I afraid. Unfortunately I do not believe I would be able to stop using social media as I really need it for my future plans.
Thank you for reading my story. I hope you can help me. 🙁
Thank you for your question. Sometimes the only option is no contact. From what I can understand from your question it seems as if your family could see that this would be the right pathway for you, but it has taken you some time to come to that conclusion. I am hopeful that you are going down this pathway because you want to and not because you have been pushed into it. It is so important that you do what is right for you, and not what your family and close friends think is right for you.
Of course you are concerned about cutting him off. It is only natural you are emotionally connected to your ex you were with him for 10 years. Only you can answer whether discontinuing contact will impact on the final assets, or whether you should delay this. I heard stories from clients of ex’s getting unexpectedly nasty or being unexpectedly nice. It is hard to know what will happen.
The contact you are having from your partner, this wanting to know how you are and wanting to be friends. This is about him appeasing his guilt. Remember he was with you for 10 years and although it has been his decision to leave he still will have some struggle with his decision.
I am not a Facebook specialist however I do know there are all sorts of options you can follow when it comes to managing Facebook contact. There is banning and blocking and you can adjust your newsfeed preferences so that certain people come last in priority or don’t appear at all. This way you haven’t blocked or banned anyone you just don’t see what they have to say, and they don’t need to know. This way you can have some sort of regulation on what you are seeing. Then eventually as you let certain people fade out of your life, you can then block or even un-friend those people. It will mean that you do have to have some self control not to go and look at certain profiles, but you could unblock someone look at their profile and reblock them, if you really did want to look at their profile. So really this is about you making that decision to disconnect him out of your life because you want to.
I am not sure how structured your contact is. Does he text you anytime to “see how you are”. I would be initiating some boundaries into your communications with him. Could you say something like “Now that it seems that we are truly separated I would like to formalise how we communicate so that I can get on with my life without you.” Then you need to decide whether you want him to only email you or only message you and when those messages should happen. I would strongly encourage you to formulate a carefully written text rather than speaking to him about this in person, so that you can stay with your resolve. You will know when the right time is to put all this in place.
You see by taking his messages you are allowing him to appease his guilt by contacting you. I believe you are right, at the same time it is really holding you back from disconnecting out of the relationship. As hard as it is sometimes no contact is the only option so you can heal and move on with your life.
I empower women to make educated relationship choices, rather than change for their partner
Choose, Don’t Change